The Point of Presence
Last night my soul sat down and cried.
Not a sobbing, wrenching expressive wail of frustration and anger
But a silent heart breaking yearning for the past that had been irretrievably lost
And the future I could not find.
Not a soft enveloping darkness, a winter hibernation, watching dusk fall and shadows lengthen
But a pitch, black, night of the soul that was filled with both a void of nothingness
And a crowded space filled with every fear and hopeless emotion.
Empty promises, disappointments, guilt, shame, unfulfilled destiny.
A feeling of a giant hand clenching round my lungs, heart and spirit,
Crushing any tiny flame of joy in a fist of despair.
Which is the worst terror? The darkness of the night with its suffocating fear
Or the impending new day with the dread of things to do and achieve?
A feeling of swimming underwater, or driving in the fog,
Living a muted, distorted and suppressed existence.
And so I sit in the void, in a fetal position of protectiveness,
Unable to breathe, unable to quieten the mind
And the incessant chatter of fear filled conversations,
Unable and immobile,
Waiting for someone, some solution, some presence to save me.
Pleading with the mind to come up with a logical answer
And hearing only the words of “you’ve failed, you’re unloved, you’re insignificant
You’ve missed the deadline, you can’t beat the clock”
In an isolated system entropy is the only increase.
Is there anyone out there?
As I sit and let the despair seep into my bones and my soul,
There is a movement, An inner space, a breath that says
“Surrender; let go of what you have been holding onto.
Allow; be vulnerable and open to the raw beauty of this moment.
Fail; and let that failing show you that the past is disappearing
And that failure is a necessary part of creation.
Grieve; and let it wash through you like a tidal wave cleansing and clearing.
Awaken; to a new kind of day and the creation of a new souls path and an unknown journey”
As the space expands, the darkness becomes also the light.
A light of deep grace, of forgiveness and divine love.
A penetrating light being that reaches into the soul
And ignites the smallest spark, not yet visible, not yet manifested.
A faint vibration of an answered prayer,
An acute awareness of the simplicity and necessity of living in the moment
And a whispered freedom, releasing all that is weighing me down.
In an isolated system entropy can only increase,
So be in presence, In this sacred space of awareness
And listen to the profound energy of all that is and is not.
Be mindful of your heart beating, be conscious of your breath, to the sound of silence
And bigger than that, hear the earth’s heart beat, feel the exhalation of the universe as it sighs
“All is well my child, all is love, all is as it should be”
Last night my soul sat down and opened up
And a valiant knight of the soul rode in.
And as tiny fingers of dawn softly grew, the still, small voice sweetly wept and said
“Welcome to the crack between the worlds,
Welcome to the greater spiritual experience,
Of living in authenticity, humility and gratitude.
Welcome to living from the soul.
As with every walk on the beach, I receive more than I seek and this time I had stood on a sea urchin. After years of diving in danger infested seas, my first injury was from a small innocuous creature on one of the safest beaches in Europe. After hobbling...
Don’t sit and wait for the light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the damn thing yourself
We were waiting for the lift, when we noticed a young woman in the queue crying and being comforted by her friend. This would be noticeable in any lift queue but we were in a crowded queue at the top part of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and at that height people are a bit nervous of anything emotional.
I was now separated from my family and was instead with the customs officers in the UK answering questions and having my baggage searched, much to my kid’s mortification and my husband’s amusement. How had this happened? Because I had become too concerned with my baggage and not focused on where I was going.
It was like a Michael Jackson tribute event as we all stood with one glove on and screamed high pitch yelps at frequent moments. Alas, we were not at a concert but in the garden at 7am on a Sunday morning and the event was a caterpillar infestation.
It was a simple goal, to get a photograph with a white lion cub called Boris – his trainer was there, his friends were there and it was in an enclosure, how hard could this be? Apparently very!
If ‘stuff’ had an alarm reminder setting it would be 3am. One minute I’m fast asleep, head nice and empty apart from the odd weird dream cruising in and then…WTF…
As I stared at the huge monkey baring his teeth, it was finally time to say goodbye to an old, faithful friend.
“You have a lung disease.” A statement with two words together that you never want to hear. As the doctor carried on with other inconsequential words like “inhaler, medication, tests” my brain had gone into an amygdale high-jack thereby cutting off all rational thought and processes and replacing it with an irrational scream of “I’m going to die”.